Monday, July 11, 2011

1. Unable to find one's way; not knowing one's whereabouts: "they got lost in the fog".
2. Unable to be found: "he turned up with my lost golf clubs".

Lost, this funny adjective evokes many different fragments, flash backs in my mind.
Wondering off in our favourite second hand store away from my parents and then trying to trail my way back to them, becoming more and more frantic and panicked as I pass the slender isles, one by one hopefully looking down each one for familiar faces.
Empty, sorrow, depression; something is missing.
Fear, a black hole, darkness.
Walking home from a new friend's house and forgetting the way; having to call my parents for directions or retrace my steps back to where I started for help.
The word lost can mean many different things for many different people; a lost puppy, a missing child, your car keys, an old sock. The more and more I mature and start to collect some more of the missing pieces in my life (the things that I have not experienced, the places that I have not gone, the people that I have not met..) the more I feel confused, and regretfully lost. I'm not sure that it has something to do with my physical location. Sometimes I feel as if I am right where I am supposed to be, but other times I feel like I'm lost, like I'm that child again running down the store looking all around me for a glimmer of hope that everything will be ok. To be completely honest, I can tell you that I have experienced things in my life first hand that will never be ok. Some things can never be fixed. Once the damage is done, there is no going back. I feel out of place in my own mind sometimes, like I am a guest, observing from the side lines, the peanut gallery. I'll imagine things and I will have no idea where they came from. I'll shock myself so much that I will actually begin to be afraid of my own shadow; my own reflection. Some days are better than others. It is almost like trying to walk home on a once familiar street. Some days the street lights are on and you recognize every single little detail and all of your passed doubts seem to melt away. Other times that same dark, harsh, cold road is intimidating. The street lamps have almost burned out, leaving a menacing glow that casts deceiving shadows all over the place. You are left constantly looking around, searching because of the sharp chill on the back of your neck that tells you that someone is watching. I think being lost isn't all physical, but it is also a mental state. When someone is lost, it means that they are away from their normal surroundings and cannot find their way back. What is people learned to just except not knowing where you are, or who you are for that matter, and just went with it. Would that eliminate all of those lost feelings? I have tried to except the way I am, who I am, where I am in life, where my life could take me, but it is more difficult than it sounds. As humans, we are not naturally able to let go of our pasts. We can't stop dwelling on the familiarity of things, or even people. We learn to deal, and we learn to cope, but there is always a part of us that remains there, in that place in our mind that is set aside for that special time that only means something to us, good or bad. We become frustrated with our selves, or other people, when they or we begin to forget things that used to be such a big deal. If we didn't dwell so much on the passed, then something; a place for example, would not seem so familiar, therefore when we did eventually move on, we would not be lost, but found by new experiences, new people, a new chapter in our lives. As I'm sure that we all know, life unfortunately does not work that way. We are mentally impulsed creatures, ones who are controlled by emotions and make emotional connections with physical objects or other people.

On this blog, I would like to share my journey with you; throughout my personal experiences, thoughts, emotions, mental dialogue and trying to piece myself together. I will let you know if I ever find my way through this thick, unpredictable and scary jungle of life.